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THE PROBLEM
My 18-month-old son Felix has always been active, but for the past eight months when he lunges towards me, he bites.
He hasn’t drawn blood, yet, but he does leave bruises and teeth marks. He has also been biting children at nursery, and his sister Rosie, three, who obviously finds it upsetting.
It happens so quickly we don’t have the chance to move away. The first time I was so taken by surprise – and pain – that I let out a loud scream.
Teething problem: Normally affectionate, young Felix has been sinking his teeth into his mum Antonia
He is ordinarily such a loving and affectionate little boy that I don’t believe he means any harm. Nonetheless, because it happens most days, I’ve now started to tense when he comes to me for a cuddle. I have read that biting can cause quite serious infections, so I feel this needs to be taken seriously.
THE ADVICE
THE CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST
Dr Amanda Gummer, director of parenting website Fundamentally Children, says: ‘Babies and toddlers have more sophisticated nerve endings in their lips and tongue than they do elsewhere, which is why they explore the world with their mouth. They have no sense of empathy but aren’t biting to be naughty. Nonetheless, their teeth are sharp and it hurts.
‘They quickly realise they get a reaction when they bite so they want to do it more. Babies crave attention, even if it’s negative. It makes them feel more powerful and in control.
‘Try not to scream. Simply say “no”, put him down and move away. He is too young for explanations but negative reinforcement will teach him to stop. It might take a few days or even weeks, but the more consistent you are, the quicker the results.
‘Biting can be seen as a normal developmental phase but as children get older they need to know it’s socially unacceptable. It will cause problems if it’s not addressed before starting school. Introducing concepts such as the naughty step could work if managed well.’
THE BABY GURU
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of BabyCalm, says: ‘Babies bite when they’re teething, bored or frustrated because they can’t express themselves. Sometimes it’s simply because it feels nice.
‘It’s either a stress reliever for Felix or he’s so overwhelmed with love for his mummy that he literally wants to eat you. Boys tend to do it more than girls, partly because they’re slower to learn language.
‘Biting is all part of learning. It’s completely normal and doesn’t signal a behavioural problem.
Scared: His mother has now started to tense when he approaches her
‘You have to react strongly or he won’t know he’s done anything wrong. When he bites let out a exaggerated cry. If you say “Ow” loudly enough he’ll understand he’s hurt you. He won’t learn immediately – it may take six to ten weeks. Ignoring him will confuse him, and won’t take away his need to do it. Instead, find something that’s good for him to bite. Try wearing teething jewellery, which is made out of rubbery material made for babies’ teeth. After you’ve protested, try offering him that instead. If your bond with him is strong enough it will upset him that he’s upset you and he’ll stop.’
THE OLDER GENERATION
My mother Mary Hoyle, 67, says: ‘I can’t remember you or your brother biting when you were young, but I was a stay-at-home mother so you weren’t spending all day with other children. Perhaps it’s a habit he’s picked up from nursery, especially as he has bitten children while he was there.
‘Whatever the reason, he’s not an aggressive baby and it’s not malicious. I don’t think ignoring him is the answer – it seems like a punishment when he has done nothing wrong, while shrieking adds unnecessary drama. I’d say firmly, “No, Felix, you can’t bite Mummy. Give Mummy a kiss instead” and give him plenty of kisses so he understands what you mean.
‘In the meantime, wear thicker clothes so it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m sure this phase will be short-lived and it’s important he knows you still love him until it’s over.’
touch: Young children are said to bite because they have overly-sensitive nerve-endings in their lips and mouth
WHAT ANTONIA DID NEXT
Given that I was already screaming – albeit involuntarily – when Felix bit me I followed Sarah’s advice first and exaggerated my cry. But he seemed to think it was a game and erupted into giggles. After 15 attempts over three days I changed tack and walked away in silence instead. I did this for four days but it seemed to make Felix feel unfairly abandoned. He burst into tears, making me feel duty-bound to give him another cuddle – and get another bite.
In the end, I bit my lip so I didn’t scream, stuck to a simple ‘no’ and sat him on my knee for a few minutes so he felt secure but didn’t associate biting with playtime. It seemed to take away some of his excitement about biting – but didn’t stop it.
So I’ve become stricter. Now when Felix bites I tell him ‘no’ then put him in his cot and leave him for two minutes so he is no doubt that biting is unacceptable. This inevitably makes him cry but the message is getting through. He hasn’t bitten anyone for almost a week now and is hopefully learning that kissing and cuddling are better ways to communicate.
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